Dear Baby boy,
I am aware that your “aggression” comes from the need to protect me as you probably sensed how I feel deep inside of me. The insecurities, the imbalance of emotions, the self-doubt and the fears… Sorry that I am always hugging you to cry when I’m struggling, perhaps that made you worry even more.
I am sorry that because of me you had to go through this which is affecting your life. You constantly have to be uptight, on alert, be tense and angry that you can’t really fall into deep sleep and be at peace; which I know it is extremely tiring for you.
I really wish you could be like your little sister being so carefree and going into deep sleep that even when I disturbed her she wouldn’t even open her eyes.
How I wish you would understand that there is no need to protect me as there is no one that would hurt me as in physically so there is really no need to protect me. I know I am weak but not physically so please please please enjoy your life instead of protecting me, it would make me feel much much better if you do so.
So it has been about 2 years since my last post and I am thinking of taking back up on blogging again. Guessing I just needed a space to let out my thoughts, and it’s quite a good hobby to practice on my language skills as well.
2 years just passed like a swift of wind, a lot has happened over the years. I have gained things, lost things, had happy occurrences, sad occurrences, feelings of regrets, eye-opening incidents be it good and bad, also letting go of feelings that I have been holding on for years; and at the same time learning from all these experiences.
Most importantly trying to find myself during my sabbatical. I have a tentative idea of what I wanna do but there is also obstacles proving it difficult to work in that direction. How I wished I was exposed to different aspects of life and gaining more knowledge during the early days then I prolly wouldn’t struggle that much?
And recently I feel as if I have once more begun to experience the throbbing pain of a wound I had forgotten. I thought that I have made every effort in me to forget those feelings but apparently not? It makes me wonder what am I doing with my life what choices have I made or what choices do I have to make.
All in all there is an upcoming project that I am working on which I am extremely excited about and can’t wait for it to launch although there is that feeling of apprehensive going on while I work on it. There are so many ups and downs that is on going and I constantly have to remind myself to hang on to it and brave through the storm but gosh every thing is so expensive! Gotta find a way around it to low the cost as much as possible cos who in the right mind wouldn’t?
P.S I am still learning.